Hi there my little Texas tics and pan handle pipsqueaks.

Have I got lots of trails end tall tales and tell tale tittle-tattle for you.

First the Cowboy Action Shoot that took place on Saturday 26th of May. What can I say, the weather was warm and balmy. A gentle breeze played wistfully around the blazing six-guns. The sun danced softly on the barrels of shotguns and lever action rifles that blasted through a day of fun and festivities. It was a five-stage event with more sounds per round to the pound plus bangs and clangs. Unfortunately The Duke was not there to R.O. Gossip has it that he was away for gender reassignment. But then, I don’t take any notice of innuendoes, he was sorely missed.

A six-gun belonging to the Lone Stranger was saved from being mutilated (filing the front sight down) by yours truly, The Tombstone Kid. I gave him a re-loading recipe for his .45 so it would shoot to point of aim. Yes folks I’m a wonderful warm human being, “A prince amongst men." I hear you cry.

On with the plot. Hawk was there, parading a long duster coat, leather cuffs, and a new bright red bibbed front shirt. It was good he moved around frequently, as I kept walking over to him and attempting to post a letter. Didn’t the Bridgetown Rebel look dandy in his new Confederate cap. My oh my you handsome devil. Grizzly was there sporting those twin black powder smoke wagons. I’m sure they are an environmental health hazard. Good to see Pilgrim well again after his dances with diseases. Once again these words stick in my throat as I say reluctantly, "well done", to Cold Steel for winning yet again.*** ****. But a good time was had by one and all.

Now my little border buckaroos we have finally come up with a name for the Cowboy Action section of the club. After consuming quantities of alcohol and in some quarters strange substances (but that’s another story). We agreed on calling ourselves The Kells County Regulators. It kind of conjures up those thrilling days of yester year. We even have our own logo. Which brings me neatly to a message from our sponsors Burke and Hare. Fleeces, polo shirts, ball caps, lunch boxes, Jim jams, will all be available with said logo on at an exorbitant price, yet to be determined by the London Stock Exchange and Wall Street. So watch this space.

A lone star tear trickled down old Tombstones tender cheek on hearing the news that two hearts now beat as one. Yes my little jailhouse jambalayas, I speak in hushed tender tones of the marriage of Six-gun Stevie to the lovely Jo-Annie Oakley. The happy couple spent their honeymoon in the state of Florida U.S.A. And spent mucho dollars on firearm related products - gunrigs, fancy shirts etc. As we raise a large glass of Irish, we wish them good fortune and every happiness as they sally forth on the rocky road of matrimony and life. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the bride and groom.

And now for something completely different. As we all heard on the radio and TV. Recently a wave of U.F.O sights was seen over County Down. They were flying, it was reported, in an arrow formation. A reporter asked one bystander if he had seen the high-flying arrow? “No sir” he replied, “I haven’t even seen the Indians!”.

STOP PRESS…ALIEN ABDUCTION UPDATE.
As I reported in my last article on the possible alien abduction of the man from Bangor, the student, and the farmer. Well, dear reader, I have gained more revelations on your behalf, in spite of putting myself at great personal risk. Some of the following Insights were gleaned through the aid of a medium and the boy’s only book of scouting.

First the man from Bangor. The medium assured me that he would beam down and materialise from the good star ship Lollypop. But this never happened. Possibly a miscalculation in light-years on his interstellar Mickey Mouse watch from the Pillock Nebulas star system.

Next in regard to the student, we fared little better. Read on. We called upon the good offices of a highly trained negotiator when we learned that the student was being held hostage in anal cyberspace, without access to alcohol or a carry out. Again we have to report that we failed to secure his release.

Now we come to the farmer. This unfortunately is another sad tale. A mutant carrot had not consumed the farmer as we first assumed. The simple sad truth is, he took a cow, and his new single action pistol to market and traded them for a bag of magic beans. He then planted the magic beans and in the blink of an eye, they grew into a giant beanstalk. It is said he changed his name to Jack and was last seen climbing up said beanstalk.

Will the man from Bangor realise he is a figment of his own imagination? Will the student be able to steal his way through the bars of his own brain cell and escape to reality? Will the farmer return safely to the bosom of his family with two golden eggs and a fairy story that they will believe? These and other conundrums will be laid before you to judge. Watch out for the next thrilling episode of “LIGS IN SPACE”.

Now I would like to thank some of our world-wide readers for their input. First to Rennes in France. To Lady Fenella, thank you for contacting me regarding your lost e-mail. After checking with all the usuall suspects here on fantasy island I have to say we did not receive it. It must still be floating with Peter Pan in e-mail Never Never Land. So please, please try again.

To Coffee Em over there in Arizona, thank you for your very kind words via Slick Vic, got the t-shirt, eaten the pie, been there, done that, got the DVD, Irish Ranger. Very much appreciated, and yes you are right it is like Cowboy Action meets the X Files. Oh by the way, good luck with the novel.

Tell me do you suffer from money grabbing, carpet bagging Ballymoney bandits. Or cheating purloining pilfering Portrush pirates, you do! Then remember, wherever there is injustice, you will find us. Wherever there is despair we will be there. Wherever there are evil speculators, just call for The Kells County Regulators.

Till we meet again, remember Northern Ireland and leave your blood at the blood bank not on the highway.

Happy trails
The Tombstone Kid.